Random thoughts at 3:30AM Let the sleepless nights begin!

Here it is 2:40am....wait it's spring ahead so it's 3:40am and I can't sleep. The anticipation of Patrick coming home in about 7 weeks is starting to get the best of me. I miss him so much but all I can think about with him coming home is how he is going to be gone again in a few short months. How are we as a family suppost to make up the time of the last seven months in such a short amount of time of him being home? (I know these answers but please bare with me as I process my thoughts so i can try to sleep.) It's so hard to start preparing for the next deployment when he isn't even home from the current one. I do have to say this last deployment has gone by so fast compared to the first one, but it isn't much comfort. All I want is for him to be here, to play with the kids, to pick on me to the point that it annoys the living crap out of me, to take charge of the kids for just one day, go to the beach as a family, drive around looking for something to do and to never find anything so we end up going home to watch a movie as a family. MY FAMILY, That's what I miss. Not me and the kids, but Husband, Wife, Kids, and dog. In the mean time I'm tired of repeating the answer "I don't know" 100 times a day when people ask me for more information on when he gets home. When I know, everyone else will know. I may not know until the day before that happens. I understand that's hard for people to make plans and everyone wants phone calls but I am relaying what I know, when I know it. My biggest fear is that Britnie and Pat aren't going to get enough time together since she goes to Colorado for the summers. She has had to make the biggest adjustment of all of us, and I think her spending time with us as a family is so important to her. That's all she talks about anymore, "it doesn't feel the same without daddy here." It's been so hard on her to leave one dad in Colorado, and another one be gone for almost the whole time we have lived here. She needs that assurance.

More random thoughts:
There are so many things that still need to get done that I just can't find the time for. I still need to get our taxes done, but my days are filled with housework, and school work. I refuse to take the kids with me while I get the taxes done, but our weeknights are so busy I couldn't do it then anyway. Honestly I think I'm scared to get our taxes done after our foreclosure. I want to get his car cleaned really good, and a tune up on his bike, and unpack/wash all of his clothes that are still in his footlockers. I was hoping to lose some more weight before he got home but I don't even make time for the gym. I'm trying to get ahead in my school work that way when he get's home I'm not stuck infront of the computer all day. I have a GPA of 4.0 so far and I want to keep that. I'm afraid that if I can't get ahead before he get's home I will start to slack off. It wouldn't be the end of the world if I got a B in a class, but for anyone who knows me if I set my mind to something, very little can stand in my way. That has been a HUGE stress on me lately.

One more thought before I close this rambling session. I know people have thought about coming out here and I think everyone knows Pat's and my wishes but just in case you don't here they are. We don't care who comes out when he get's home but we are asking that if you come, we are giving you until the first weekend in May. We love our families dearly but we do not want visitors every couple of weeks the entire time he is home. There is always an adjustment period after a deployment and the fewer interruptions in that process the better for us as a couple and a family. We need to find our routine as a family again. I don't care who sleeps in our house if you are here before he get's home but we are asking that once he is home for you to get a motel room. We feel it is important for us to have that space as a family. I'm sorry if you think this is selfish of us in anyway, but if you have been in our shoes I know you understand it and agree with it.

For anyone who is still reading this I hope it made sense. I know when my brain get's going I jump around a lot. I would not be surprised if I am the only one who knows what I just typed. Oh well, when it is 3:30 in the morning and I don't feel like waking anyone up to call them I guess the blog is the best I can get. So good morning to everyone and have a wonderful day. I am going to try and sleep now. Hopefully my brain will slow down once my head hit's that pillow.

HAHAHA I just looked at the clock. It's 4:22am now. I've been sitting here for almost an hour and yet I am still typing. OK seriously, I'm going to bed.

I love revelations!

One of my classes I am currently taking is a Live Vision Portfolio class. This class is all about understanding why you are who you are, and realizing things you didn't know about yourself. I absolutely love this class. Even though I have slight hesitation with each assignment my focus is intact again, and I have finally decided what I want to do. I honestly believe that my stroke was the experience I needed to councel individuals who have suffered a TBI. I want to share the assignment I did for you all to read. I had a true realization while writing this assignment, and my instructor left me a comment telling me I should think about working with TBI. Her comment was the final reassurance I needed. Enjoy!

The time that I see as one of my Key Highlight moments is a time span of 2-3 years. The summer before my Senior High School year started I found out I was pregnant. From that moment, my life obviously changed forever, and over the next few years I faced many challenges. The next few years have some of my happiest moments ever, but also were the hardest years of my life. My Key Highlights come from the most difficult time in my life, not my best. In the following 3 years, I became a single teenage mother, graduated High School, moved out of my parent’s home to a place of my own, got married, earned my Associates degree, and that whole time I worked a full time job.

In January 2000, I was 26 weeks pregnant. Five months away from Graduating High School, and four months from giving birth I suffered a stroke due to a blood condition that was not detected. (This is a story in itself that I hope I get the chance to share some day.) I was unable to attend school, and had no short term memory. I also suffered to a constant headache, confusion, and honestly I had no idea what was going on around me. My parents brought in a family friend that was also a teacher of mine to help tutor me. I had one class left to finish, and even though I don’t remember much from that time I do remember one question he asked me: “Do you know how to balance a checkbook?” I answered yes, and he said, “OK, you passed now let’s get to work.” What he meant by this was; it’s time to rehabilitate your brain. He didn’t tutor me on school work, but games that made me think. My daily tutor sessions revolved around memory games, video games, counting games, hand eye coordination, and so on. He helped me study for my ACT’s and even though my brain was not ready, he encouraged me to take the test.

Now that a little history has been explained, you can probably see why my key highlights are so extremely important to me. Four months after my stroke I had my daughter, five months after my stroke I walked across the stage at my Graduation with Mr. Matthews at the stairs to greet me. It would have been easy for me to stop there and blame my stroke for holding me back, but I didn’t. I promised myself when I found out I was pregnant that I was not going to be one of those teenage moms that collects welfare, and never amounts to anything. About three months after graduation, I moved out of my parent’s house because I wanted to prove to the world I could do it. I also started working on my Associated Degree. At eighteen years old I was a mom supporting myself and my daughter, working a full time job, and attending 18 credits per semester. In April of 2002 I married my husband who I met during my pregnancy, and in January 2003 I graduated with my Associates.

These times have shaped me as a person who knows you have to work for what you want. Life doesn’t give freebees and as easy as it is to give up, giving up is not an option for me. I may need encouragement, and occasional confidence boosters from people, but I have never given up on myself. I feel that because of those couple of years, I have so much to offer people and I am proof that a person cannot make excuses to not do things. If there is a will, there is a way. I may not be the best mom in the world, but I sure do try. If my stroke had not happened, I may not have been so determined to work as hard as I did. I would have graduated from High School, and moved out, but I’m not sure that I would have the look on life that I do today. I do see each day as a blessing, and I am not as quick to judge people.

My key highlights are special because it’s my personal story of achievement and accomplishment after a tragic event. A brain injury often disables people from the world around them, but I made it through and I continue to make it through every day. I proved to my family and friends as a teenage mom, I was not going to depend on them for everything and that I could be a good mom. I continued my education after High School, and I am now continuing my education once again. I married my best friend and it has been the happiest seven years of my life. My kids will be able to see me succeed and when they get older they will understand the challenges I went through, and hopefully have the same determination with life that I have. I have a completely different outlook on life now, which I didn’t have before. I was determined, I achieved, I didn’t give up or quit, and I made it. That is what makes it special.

Whenever I feel down or don’t think my plate can be piled any higher, I remember those times and how I made it through. Those times are a reminder to me that the hard times will pass and the reward is worth it in the end. I am constantly setting new goals for myself and have things that I look forward too. The specialness of my key highlights is a part of my regular life every single day. Every time I look at my oldest daughter I remember the struggle I went through, and she has a better life because I was determined to succeed. Because of the pride I held being a single mom for 2 years and succeeding, it makes it easier for me to deal with my husband’s deployments being on my own. After every deployment I see things I could have done better, but I know I survived and made it through. I remember the feeling of Graduating from High School, and my Associates and I constantly strive for a lifetime filled with the same pride, but I know struggles have to come in order for that to happen. When a person hit’s rock bottom, the only place to move is up, and that’s when that special feeling takes place. I don’t like to dwell on the past because it only holds you back. A person has to get past the hard times. I made it then, and I will continue to make it every day.

It hit me today, my baby is growing up

Britnie has been working on her very first essay this last week and last night she needed to re-write her final copy. For some reason it hit me like a speeding train that she is growing up. Yes, yes, you know that your kids are growing up, but sometimes they do or say something that makes you stop in your tracks and it sinks deep into your soul and you realize how fast they are growing up. This was one of those times. I am so proud of her, she did such a great job collecting the information and writing it out. I have a video of her reading it, and I hope it post. (i'm going to try.)

While i'm on here, a quick update on the cookie sales and other things:
The girls are doing very well and are about 50% to their goal. When the weather decides to warm up and act like NC instead of winter in Colorado, we will walk our neighborhood some more.
Pat is still doing well and anxious to get home. The first of the Marines got home yesterday, and over the next 3 1/2 months more teams will be getting home. I still don't have an exact timeframe on him, but when I do, you will know. It is exciting to know that they are in the process of finishing up their work and are slowly getting home.
I finished up my second class 2 weeks ago, and WHOO WHOO I got another A! It's amazing what a little hard work can do for a grade lol. These next ten weeks are going to be extremely busy because I have 2 classes going at a time which means my reading doubles. YUCK! It works for me though because by the time these next 8 weeks are over, it will only be a few more weeks or days until my hubby get's home.